Mommy Dearest

[Swamp_Fox]

1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why." ;

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE....
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM..
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE ...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!

[Swamp_Fox]

....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Male Author Unknown

....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
Female Author Unknown

[Swamp_Fox]

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish.
Called down to the wife for breakfast and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor.
Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes.............

Then a moment of pure inspiration........

....McDonalds does Breakfast until 10:30 !

[Swamp_Fox]

Importaint Demographical Info For Men

http://www.geekologie.com/image.php?pat ... p-full.jpg

[Swamp_Fox]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Swamp_Fox]

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a Texas A&M University graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Boudreaux.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Boudreaux is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Texas A&M.'