Blarney

[Swamp_Fox]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tel ya,"

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry,"

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda . . . no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[Swamp_Fox]

Sick Note (Why Paddy's Not At Work Today)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx7aoEBtPXA

[Swamp_Fox]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one'

[Swamp_Fox]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Done gal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[Swamp_Fox]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

[Swamp_Fox]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

[Swamp_Fox]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

[Swamp_Fox]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

[Swamp_Fox]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Swamp_Fox]

An Irishman's daughter had not been home for over 6 years.

Upon her return, her father berated her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $2 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new Ford King Ranch Pickup truck that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Duck Club...(takes a breath)...plus an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again said, "a prostitute, Dad!"

"Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[Swamp_Fox]

Three young English lads walk into an Irish pub one slow afternoon. The only patron is an old Irishman sitting at the bar.

The young Englishmen ( not really bad types but wanting a bit of fun) decide among themselves to see how deadly an insult they can deliver about the patron saint of Ireland that will get the old Irishman angry.

The first Englishman approaches the old Irishman and says: " I hear that St. Patrick was a faggot". The old Irishman says:" Ye don't say!". The Englishman walks back to the table and is perplexed.

The second Englishman tells his companions. "Let me try. I know how to get the old boy really angry".

The second young Englishman approaches and says to the old Irishman: " I hear that St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot". The old Irishman replies:" Ye don't say!".

The second young Englishman says there is no way to get the old Irishman mad. The third young Englishman says that they just don't know how to really make the Irish mad. "Watch me", he says and goes up to the old Irishman.

The third Englishman says: " I hear that St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

The old Irishman says: " Yes, that's what your friends have been saying!"

[Swamp_Fox]

A woman is in bed with her lover. She has just been telling him how stupid her Irish husband is.

Suddenly the door is thrown open and there stands the outraged husband who shouts: " What are you doin?"

The wife says to her lover: " Sae, what did I tell yee?"

[Swamp_Fox]

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

[Swamp_Fox]

A guy manages to navigate his way up to the bar. As he sits down, he hears an Irish accent from the guy next to him. He asks: "Where in Ireland are ye from?" The other man replies: " "Roscommon". The first guy is interested and orders double whiskies for himself and his new acquaintance. He says: " So am I !. Whereabouts in Roscommon?" The other man says: " Near Ballyfarnum". Now the first guy is astonished and orders another round of doubles. He says: " That' where I'm from,too! What school did ye go to?" The other replies: " St.Mary's and I graduated in 1982". Now the first guy almost falls off his stool at this amazing coincidence! He hails his new found friend and orders another round of doubles. The two men toast each other.

At this point a regular walks in and seats himself and asks the bartender: " What's new?"

The bartender says: " Nothing much. The O'Malley twins are drunk again".

[Swamp_Fox]

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again